Mindfulness can teach us to be good friends with ourselves. Alongside a bit of slowing down due to hot summer days, recovering from activity and vacations, I’ve been spending some time in solitude. Intentional time spent alone creates balance for me around engagement with others. Through my regular mindfulness practices, I’m finding ways to increase the positive outcomes of spending time alone. I am learning that beneficial, selective solitude is a skill and a practice. Selective solitude can give us increased insight and acceptance of self as well as our thoughts, emotions, physical states, behavioral patterns and reactivity. Just as there is research showing the importance of connection to others for positive health and well being, there is research that shows the benefits of being able to also spend meaningful time with oneself. Jon Kabat Zinn’s definition of mindfulness—the awareness that arises through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally, in the service of self-understanding and wisdom--reminds us that in addition to using practice to settle, find homeostasis, etc., awareness serves us well in other ways too. Self-understanding and practice (in stillness or in motion) can lead to increased wisdom about what is helpful and stabilizing when seeking individual well-being, in relationships with others and especially, in periods of difficulty.
In Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone, the authors report that learning what makes us better at spending time alone can help us move toward our best possible selves. Attending to our relationship with ourselves is important and very powerful in our lives. I am suggesting that engaging in regular mindfulness practice alone is a fundamental way to learn what makes us better at enjoying the benefits of being in solitude. Through practice and in my readings, the potential benefits of selective solitude include increased wisdom and self-understanding, increased ability to stabilize and access a balanced internal state, even when the outside environment is in a state of flux and change. When we have a positive relationship with ourselves, we have increased potential for positive relationships with others.
Here are some key suggestions for reaping the benefits of selective solitude.
1. Check your perspective about alone, loneliness and solitude. Consider using your meditation practice to challenge yourself to curiously investigate whether your perspective is narrowly focused on the negative aspects or stigma of being alone. Practice expanding your awareness to include the potential benefits of taking time to be with oneself. Take some “me” time for considering perspective as you drive from one place to another, or perhaps try a more formal approach through a solitary walk in nature or in solitary sitting meditation.
2. Regularly pause for mindful meditation practice to check in on yourself. Homeostasis is when the nervous systems in the body regulate themselves and come into a stable equilibrium/balance. Through regularly pausing, focusing on the breath or body or sound or another self-identified stabilizing object of attention, we increase the body’s ability to self-regulate. Pausing for a few moments or longer, practicing being in the present with oneself, strengthens the body’s natural ability to achieve homeostasis (balance). Having practices of stabilizing the body/mind increases trust in and understanding of ourselves—creating additional opportunity for positive, healthy relationship with self.
3. Practice noting the presence of emotions, thoughts and patterns that are arising throughout your day. Explore what you’re noting with a kind curiosity and inquisitiveness. We gain insight into ourselves through the practice of observing, noting, allowing and accepting what’s present. By trying out various responses to what we’re noting, we gain increased wisdom about what is healing, nourishing and supportive for us.
4. Listen to and speak to yourself with humor, curiosity and compassion. When we use these qualities with ourselves, we are better equipped to respond to others using these same qualities. A strong relationship with ourselves allows for more opportunity to access what is meaningful in life whether engaged in activity alone or with others. When we can engage in practices that are healing, nourishing and supportive of ourselves, we are better equipped to engage in authentic and meaningful ways with others, contributing to the greater good of all.
5. Spend time alone, intentionally allowing the mind to wander freely. One of the benefits of practicing awareness of mind and body is that we can use that awareness to choose where we place our attention. Sometimes, there is benefit to allowing our minds to wander to whatever comes into our awareness as it can increase our potential for creativity and problem solving!
If you’re available on August 4th, join us in person or via Zoom to discuss finding homeostasis/balance and the joys of solitude at EUCC Monthly Mindfulness. RSVP for a Zoom link (https://www.mindfulnessandmotion.com/events). Consider contacting me for individual mentorship (https://www.mindfulnessandmotion.com/general-6) if that is something that will assist you in exploring and growing your mindfulness practice in ways that increase your own health and well-being.
Wishing you well as you contemplate ways mindfulness improves your relationship with self, strengthens your ability to find balance and positively contributes to your relationship with others. I challenge you to practice balance in being alone and being with others. Feel free to share your observations and experiences in the comments.
Karen
I appreciate the helpful information and your input.